Ever since I was a child I dreamed of having a large family. It was natural, because I came from two big families. I remember, too, that I usually told myself that if for any reason I could not have children, I might adopt them.

One day at the end of 1984, a few months after arriving in Washington, after living in Puerto Rico for 33 years, I read an article about the orphan adolescents of Southeast Asia who were coming to the U.S. They needed permanent foster homes, and many American families were providing them. I was particularly interested to see that among the adoptive parents were three single men.

Immediately I asked for information about these “unaccompanied minors” and reached one of the single fathers. Two months later, Try, a smart teen-ager from Cambodia who knew only a few words in English, arrived at my house, which soon became a home – our home. That day my life began to change, my priorities also changed, and fatherhood became the axis of my life.

Moreover this instantly formed my belief in what adoption is: It is not a philanthropic matter; it has to be mutual. Certainly the child needs a father and a home, and one also needs to be a father. So the child and the parent mutually adopt each other.

Try began ninth grade without knowing English. Finishing high school became our first priority, and he succeeded in spite of all difficulties. At his graduation, four years later, he received an award for perfect attendance. Maybe a small success, but for us it was a clear proof of his sense of responsibility. At that time, by his own decision, Try changed his legal name to Terry, and adopted the family’s last name: Martínez.

Two years later, happy with the experience, I decided to repeat it. I knew that there were hundreds of Puerto Rican children in New York City needing to be adopted. With the help of the New York adoptive parent support group Council on Adoptable Children (COAC), the brothers Luis, 13, and Juan, 12, arrived in our home on December 23, 1987. Both children had been orphaned when they were two and one years old, respectively, and they emotional and learning problems, understandably. The challenge was greater this time, but the children brought a new perspective for me and our home.

A few weeks later I had become deeply involved in special education programs, special education teachers, and psychologists; as well as baseball and basketball teams, etc. The children adjusted fast, and their school and emotional progress was striking. Our new goals were limited, but they increased as time went on, and the boys were working to improve different areas of their lives.

Luis has been impressive since day one. His interest in school and his constant improvement have been incredible. I am the proudest father at the school meetings, every time the teachers point out that nobody progresses with the determination the Luis exerts. When he was in eleventh grade he received an award for his 3.0 grade point average, and he became a great reader. He joined the Fairfax (County) Police Explorers in order to achieve his goal of being a policeman. In his first job, in a bakery, Luis did such good work that in two months he was made a supervisor. He plans to continue his studies at Northern Virginia Community College.

Juan is a very special child. His learning problems are greater, but he likes learning and he likes school. His personality has developed over the years; he is quieter and calmer than his brothers, but is very loving. He likes to wear clean clothes and cares a lot about personal hygiene. Juan has decided to take public vocational courses in printing.

Nelson, my third puertoriqueño, arrived in January 1991, at the age of eleven, to complete our family. He too had been in foster homes since losing his birth family. I located him at an “adoption fair” in Brooklyn, New York, and called his social worker. An orphan like the other boys, he was excited about having a new family. As before, I had my home study updated by the local agency I have always worked with, and after a couple of preliminary visits with us he came home on pre-placement that became permanent.

Although he is a very affectionate child, he became a real challenge when he started to have problems in behavior, both at school and at home. His psychotherapist diagnosed learning disabilities and Attention Deficit Disorder. After going on medication, and taking special education classes, Nelson has made excellent progress in school. He became a boy who loved school. He is cooperating with weekly therapy, and changing to a happy child.

We had no knowledge of Nelson’s problems at the time he arrived, and they have not been easy to solve. What was important, however, is that we identified them and we are helping him. This is significant because there is so much prejudice about adopting “older” children instead of babies. In reality the problems are the same as in any other ordinary family. And as parents, it is our responsibility to pay attention to them and help to solve them.

The adoption process was not easy, although I think myself very fortunate, in comparison with others who could not make their dreams of becoming parents through adoption come true, and whose frustration has been more severe. I have been lucky because all the agencies that I have been working with have supported me as a single father. The problems and frustrations I have experienced with agencies have been related to bureaucracy and lack of staff.

However, I must say that I have encountered negligence in some parts of the process. For example, I have never understood why it took eleven years to place Luis and Juan, who became orphans as toddlers, in an adoptive home. Nor have I understood why Luis, at 12, had to be placed in a group home with older and delinquent children. The boys’ papers were not up to date either, and so their arrival was delayed by several months.

The neglect of foster children, as I see it, and this lack of effort to place them for adoption, is unfortunately not unusual. The newspapers in my own metropolitan area have described a distressing picture of “losing” children in the system, and moving them around for years from one foster or group home to another, as my boys were moved. This is what engenders in them a sense that no one cares about them, if it does not actually damage them educationally and emotionally. It seams to require advocacy groups like COAC, the American Civil Liberties Union, the Children’s Defense Fund, and other local and national groups, to force a change in neglect of children and bureaucratic snarls.

Some adoption authorities are prejudiced against singles, without any doubt. I experienced this prejudice when I want to adopt a six-year-old, white, healthy Puerto Rican child. Although I was the first one who expressed interest in the child, and the child’s social worker supported my application, the supervisors obviously found a tow-parent home. There is still the belief that single people should adopt only the children no one else wants; the oldest, the most difficult to deal with. But that is wrong. Who will be the best parent, should be the basis of decision.

Adoption is a considerable challenge for a single man, but he can handle it well if he has the support of friends and relatives. Adoption demands devotion and great personal sacrifice. In order to stay sane, of course, it is vital to take time for a social life, and to continue doing some of the things you enjoyed before you became a parent. We take vacations together and sometimes separately.

I have no doubt about my personal commitment to my children. During all these years I have given to them my love, my affection, advice, teaching, discipline, etc. But what they have done for me is equally powerful. My life changed every time one of them arrived home. My life has meaning. I have four reasons for living. Having lived through these years, after so many good and bad moments, it has been marvelous to see my children progress. There is no doubt that every minute I have dedicated to them has been worth it.

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This article was written in 1992 for an adoption magazine.